Because I have to.

My son died.

I just want to sleep until the world ends.
I just want to cry until my body runs dry.
I just want to scream until my vocal cords no longer work.
I just want to curse so harsh that the devil would cringe.

But I do not. I feel I have to be strong. Because I have to.
I feel guilty putting earrings on. I feel like I should wear a black shroud and not be seen in any other state but hysterical crying. But I can't do that. I have to be strong. I feel peaceful, calm and supported. I can't explain it. I am an emotional person, and to have this sense of calm is well....calming.

I have to be strong. Because I have to.

I select my clothes in the morning. Do I wear ugly unwashed sweat pants to show that I don't care how I look? So I will look as I barely can move forward? No, today I choose a gold and silver sequin top. It sparkles so much.

I will say that I haven't felt the energy to shower, sorry to all of the people around me. I squirted some perfume in particular places, so that should help.

I want to steal all the babies I see and just put them all in a room to hear the screaming, giggling, and babbling. I want to love on every pregnant woman I see to let them know just how special the experience they have coming up is. I want everyone to cherish their children.

I can't say that I regret anything. Regret is for losers. La-who-sa-hers.

My world will forever be different, but I know that I will move forward. I adore my Tommy and my Josh. I have to be strong. Because I have to dammit.