Sticky and Sucky

Sometimes I still can't believe this is real. How is this is my life. I am still hoping like crazy this is an awful nightmare, just dragging on forever.

I miss my little guy. Riley was supposed to be MY kiddo. Josh has Tommy, I had Riley. Josh and Tommy are so similar. Tommy came out of the womb with a tan, skin tone like Josh. He also entered the world very lazily, on his own terms, slowly being coaxed out. Sound like anyone we know? Tommy has an inherent competency with anything technological. I know this generation is born with technology, but he was attracted to it at an early age, and has shown a high aptitude for electronics. Just like Josh. A freight train could pass through the bedroom and neither of them would even startle. Tommy looks like Josh, acts like him, and I swear the other day, he turned to me and Josh's words and tone came out of his mouth. I know I birthed the kid, but I am lost in there.

Riley was supposed to be mine. He came out pasty white, quick and in a hurry. Three pushes and there he was. No coaxing needed, he was ready. He looked more like me. He was such a light sleeper, a light breeze would wake him. Just like me. He was crankier, fussier and ate all the time. No comment needed on those. I just knew he was going to love to read, love to learn, love to help others, and just be my kid.

What saddens me more is the lost future. I will never see him crawl, walk, or run. We will never celebrate birthdays, holidays, or achievements. There will be no "Baby's First Christmas" stocking hung on the mantle. I was at a birthday party for one of our friends little boy, and I couldn't help but think, "I will never be able to have a party for Riley".
UGGHH!!!! I just want to scream. It's not fair and it sucks.

I just feel so sad. I wish sadness was like water, and I could just shake it off and wring it out. But this sadness is more like sticky molasses. Sweet memories. Hard to wipe off.

I just want to hold him again.