I thought a lot about my parents today. I often picture them holding Riley now. That gives me comfort and pain. Comfort to know that Riley is not alone in heaven, but pain that he is not with me. I have an image in my mind of Jesus handing Riley over to my Mom. As he returned to heaven, what were his feelings? Was he surprised? What do we believe?
My parents taught me so many things, one precious lesson they taught me was to give. Give to others, if when you do not think you have anything to give. I know we were low income when I grew up, but I don't remember my childhood being centered around that. I remember my Mom making food for someone who did not have a warm dinner to eat. I remember my father having me pull his wallet out to give a friend the last of his money. I miss them. I miss their words. I miss cuddling up next to my Dad when I was sad, sick, or just needing love. I miss talking with my silly mother, who I know would crawl up a mountain of glass on her hands and knees for me, as she would tell me. It is because of them, and the example they set for me, that I am the person I am. I always feel pulled in my heart to give. Give a hug, a smile, a dollar, a listening ear. I miss my parents, immensely.
As I was talking with Josh the other night, I stated that I was 0-3, as death was concerned. Being who he is, he always flips to the other side of my argument, playing devil's advocate. And I always ask him who's side he is on. He said I wasn't 0-3, I was 2-3, or 15-3, or 350-3. Look at it from the better end of the deal. Punk.
My parents also taught me Faith. With my parents, I saw them in many different stages of faith, some good, some bad. But that showed me life is tough, life can suck. But it's what we do during those times that can support or crush us.
This is why I know there is a God. I told this to a friend today. Sometimes when you need to hear the right words, they come. In different ways, some when you think it is all random coincidences.
I asked my Sister-in-law to chose a scripture for the handouts for Riley's memorial. I asked her to select something about peace. I gave her no other direction, no where to look or section to search from. Josh and I dealt with much emotion about what Riley went through during his last moments. What did he feel, was he scared, angry, or sad? I can say that it almost tormented me as a mother, for my greatest fear is that my children will ever feel true pain or fear. My sister in law emailed me a draft of the handout, and at the bottom was the scripture chosen.
"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." (Prov 3:24)
Reading this, I felt it was a message, a reassurance, a peaceful gift to release us of our worries. God does answer prayers. God may not give answers to questions, but sometimes the answers or reasons will not release us from our grief. My husband and I miss our beautiful baby every minute, and we are raw with hurt, but we can come together and be thankful for the time we did have with Riley, however brief. We are so lucky to have Tommy, to brighten this dark time in our life. I am still angry, sad, broken, and depressed. But, as I told my friend, I can shake my fist at God and know he understands.
I have Faith. I was given that.
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