What a faker.

I feel like I act happy. Inside I feel so broken hearted. I look at pictures of Riley and I feel a dangerous bubbling under the surface. When my Mom died, I could not and would not look at pictures of her, as to not allow myself to feel the grief.

It is different with my son. I hurt. So bad. I look at pictures and I weep. On the inside. I feel like I fake my demeanor right now. Fake it 'till you make it. But I feel myself starting to breakdown. I am exhausted from constantly acting as if I am okay.

I am not trying to keep my feelings inside, and I know that I have a great support system. If I have realized anything from this past week, it is that Josh and I have wonderful friends and family. So many people would drop anything and help us. I just feel that I can't. I don't want to. I need to line up counseling, of this I am aware.

I miss him so much. I miss feeling needed. I miss nursing him. I miss his big toe on his right foot that he always seemed to tense up. I miss the nasty rotten milk smell in his neck folds. I miss coming home from work and feeling like I was the only person that he wanted. I miss rubbing his head and watching his eyelids close in sleep. I miss everything.

Josh and I smell his baby clothes and pass them back and forth like crack. It's our personal crack.

It hurts so bad.

I adore my Tommy, and without him I would feel lost. He gives me a reason to keep going. That and Pluckers Fried Pickles. Josh is out getting me some tonight. I love my husband.