Oh it hurts...

So today was a good day.

Josh and I started the day by dropping Tommy off at preschool. It was a funny conversation with the teacher, as Tommy had a rough weekend. After the fall at school Friday, Tommy then got a busted lip at a birthday party on Saturday from falling. Then on Sunday he learned a tough lesson...Don't get in a little dog's face, or you will get bit. So he was bit. So when we dropped him off, he looked a little worse for wear. And he was in SUPER grouch mode all weekend from a cold or allergies, and decided he no longer felt like taking medicine. It was very tiring.

I feel wrong getting mad at Tommy right now, like it breaks a rule or something. Not that we aren't still disciplining him, we may have been a wee bit more lenient lately, but we have some rules. I mean being mad or annoyed at him. It seems wrong, like he is the only child we have left, so how can I be annoyed with him? Sighhhhhhh

After dropping Tommy off, we went for a couples massage. It was a cheap price, and we got to have a nice morning together, holding hands across the massage room. Just kidding we didn't hold hands. We did hurt together, for as the day went on, the pain from the knots being rubbed in our tense muscles seemed to get worse and worse. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. We just move sorely right now, and say "ouch" every now and then.

We then ran a few errands, ate lunch, I purchased some beads for another jewelry project. And the beads were on sale, joy! And such beautiful weather today too!

While on the back porch, I got a text from a friend I hadn't talked to in a while. She was asking something about my work. I realized that she didn't know. And I didn't know how to tell her.
I felt a panic attack coming on, and took some Xanax. I really wanted to talk to her to see how she was doing, but I didn't want to tell her.

I called, we talked. She asked how I was. I said not good. I realized that in the past two weeks since Riley died, I had not broken the news to anyone. I have not had to say the words out loud. As we talked, I felt so sad, nervous, scared, and confused. What do you say? How should you say it? How do the words come out of your mouth? How and why?

So I said it, my baby boy Riley died. She was shocked, said she didn't know what to say. That's okay, I was used to hearing that. I was not as emotional as I thought I would have been, considering this milestone. But it hurt. It hurt to share this information, and as a fellow mother, I know she hurt hearing this information. Right now, nothing takes the pain away, I still miss him every moment.

But today, all considering, was a good day. Except Josh and I hurt, in more ways then one.