Cloudy with a chance of Sunshine

Yesterday was a better day.
I had a friend help come over and help clean and organize a few rooms, and clean up the fridges with all of the food.

It has been hard to look at the empty spot where Riley's crib was, and now we moved some things around to fill the gap. Funny how things work out. I am so glad that Riley was still sleeping in our room. If we had a nursery set up, I think that would be much harder to deal with an entire room devoted to your child.

After my nice visit from my cleaning buddy, the day felt better. I felt more organized and assured. Then I was able to spend some wonderful quality time with my boo. Dinner and a movie was really nice, and it was refreshing to have something fun to look forward to.

Sleep was hard. How is it that you can be so tired, almost falling asleep on the way to the bed, but as soon as you go down. No sleep. Nothing. WHY!!! I was so exhausted, but felt I barely slept a wink. Then add my Tommy monkey to the mix when he joined us in the middle of the night, and I really couldn't sleep.

Today has been hard. I feel like I need a good cry, a release. I really hate driving. I wish at some point in my life I could reach a status that I had a personal driver. And I don't need a limo or even a town car. Drive me in my old Neon for all I care. "Saddle up Jeeves, Mama needs a Slurpee".

I went to the Home Depot today to get some shelf brackets, and felt like crying all the way. No, not because I was going to Home Depot, I just don't know why. I feel like I lose focus all the time. I don't remember things. This is so hard for me as I usually have a razor sharp mind and memory. I got in the car and looked frantically for my keys in my purse, not realizing the car was already started with the keys hanging from the ignition. You would have thought the air conditioning blasting my face would have been a dead give-away. I drive and forget where I am going, or don't pay attention, and three missed exits later I finally get back to reality.
See, I need a driver.

It is such a weird thing to feel like the days zoom by, but the minutes drag on. I remember feeling this way with each of my parents. Days turned to weeks, turned to months, then to years. Time is a funny thing. It can heal, and it can hurt. I don't want time to pass quickly. It scares me to forget even the smallest detail about Riley. When my parents died, I remember it being like a slow fade. Fade to black. When fresh, you can hear their voice in your head, closing your eyes and feeling as if they are in the room. Time passes and you barely remember things that they used to say to you. The guilt that comes with that is hard. You feel like if you were a better person, you wouldn't let yourself forget.

I feel like a person with a cloud following them around. Like the cartoon where no one else is getting rained on, but you.

Guess I need to start using an umbrella.

Love you K.