Driven Mad and Crazy

So today I displayed another example of why I am still not normal. No comments from the peanut gallery needed.

What is normal? How long until I am normal again? I suppose after this event in our lives, we will have a new normal to define and create. And learn to live with. That's how grief works to me. I never seem to get over it, or move on from it. I just learn to get used to it. You learn to get used to your new reality, as soon as you can accept that your new reality even happened.

Along with everything else, Josh's car started having issues and was put into the shop right before Riley died. The warranty people are not going to cover it, and at this moment we do not know what we are going to do. The Jeep needs a new engine and it is going to cost a tremendous amount of money to fix. Sigh. I'm not trying to lead into another pity party, but it just really seems unfair. We have been showered with so much love and support these last couple of weeks, and for that I am very thankful. I just wish that we didn't have this problem to deal with as well.
I have had so much anxiety over this, but I have to trust that everything will work out alright.

In a desperate attempt, I purchased a scratch off ticket, hoping that I would win just enough to cover the cost of the repairs. That as I waved my hand over the glass case holding the tickets I would be led to the winning ticket. As much as I would love to report that was the case, nope. But, really? Do things ever work out like that? Josh said God doesn't play the lotto. It did feel a little pathetic to hope that my method would work.

I just don't feel right, just not normal. As mentioned above, my experience of un-normalcy. While we were running an errand today, we had an issue at one place. It was such a stupid issue, a price discrepancy. But I felt myself getting so mad that it took me by surprise. As I could feel my face redden, I knew that this was not an appropriate response to such a trivial thing. I could feel Josh awkwardly trying to dissuade the situation, and reel me back in. I was waiting for him to call me Janet, but instead he just calmly stated, "hmmm, I don't think that you are quite ready to return to work yet". He said that he felt I would "bludgeon someone with a 2X4" if they crossed me the wrong way. Me? Nooooo. Well? Hmmmm.

I feel tired, sad, frustrated, lonely at times, and empty. I feel like I have a missing puzzle piece that I just can't find. An itch I can't scratch. A craving I can't satisfy. If any of that makes sense. I feel lost with no purpose. I still feel like a failure as a parent.

And all of this drives me crazy.