Let's get ready!

I have two good friends that are pregnant right now, and I can't wait. I put my grief aside and I am so excited and anxious for them, one a new addition and one a new adventure. I can't wait for those wonderful women to have the next great experience in their lives. I just have to get ready.

At this moment in time, if I were handed a baby this second, I don't know what I would do, if I would be able to hold the baby. Right now, I feel as if I held a baby, my feelings would tornado inside, spinning everything into a mess. I don't know if I would scream to Josh, "Hurry, get the car!", or if the comparison to my lost love would be too strong to endure. Since Riley died, I have touched a baby. But I did not offer or want to hold him.

I reallllly need to get into counseling. I wish I had a secretary, someone to politely ask to make and keep my appointments and possibly retrieve me a few mugs of coffee. That is a great idea.

Last night I was full on d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d. I couldn't shake it. It is the most frustrating feeling to want to be lively, but there is a heavy veil over you, preventing you from doing anything but slug along. I thought going over to hang out a my brother's house would lift me out of the funk. It didn't. And to make matters worse (for me mentally), Tommy fell at Preschool and hit his head. He was then groggy, grumpy, and acting sensitive to light. What do you think goes on inside the mother of a child who is injured when she just lost a child? Ohhhh, hysterics. But I think I kept that bottled up pretty good. (Thank you Xanax. Hey, I ain't got no shame).
God did get an onslaught of prayers, bargains, and yelling from me though.

Today I feel better. I slept with Tommy last night, and woke up all night to check to make sure he was okay. Ironically, I feel more well rested. I love sleeping nestled with my little guy, smelling his hair. Wrapping my arm around him and kissing his soft smooth cheek, holding his little hand in mine.
Someday his cheek will have stubble, and his hand will be bigger then mine. And I will have to let him go. But I don't have to worry about that right now. Right now he still wants to cuddle with his mama, and let me kiss all over his face.
I love sleeping nestled with my little guy....until I get pushed out of bed. By strong tiny feet. Kneeling on the ground next to the bed, I look up at my boys. They have the same features, Tommy is Josh incarnate. I feel bursting with love for them.

Maybe that's the secret for having a better day. Wake up on the right side of the bed.