Someone called me today, not a close friend, but someone I worked with. She said, you must miss Riley so much. "Miss him? MISS HIM?", I don't know why I felt so annoyed at the simple comment. It's like going up to an amputee and glancing at the spot where their arm was and saying, "Man, you must really miss your arm, huh?".
Miss him doesn't even begin to explain the feeling. It's like a part of you was torn away, an act of separation that goes against nature. Parents should never have to feel the loss of a child, it's just wrong. It's a tormenting relentless ache in your chest, a physical pain that changes you. It's a gut wrenching, heart stopping feeling that makes you feel helpless and lost. Something was stolen from you, and a piece of you is now missing. Searching for the reasons and answers does nothing to ease the pain, but you still feel compelled to try.
Today is my Mother's Birthday. Happy Birthday Mom! I realized it when I was driving home last night. After my Dad died, I would still buy Father's Day cards and birthday cards for him. I would write a message to him, tell him how much I loved him, and how much I miss him. Then I would seal it and throw it away. It's purpose was fulfilled. It helped me to reach out to him, imagine him reading the message from heaven, and it connected us again. I think I will buy a birthday card for my Mom. I know I still haven't fully recovered from her death, it was too much of a shock. I just shoved it down and moved on. Repress now, therapy later. Well...now it's later.
But on the upside, I finally found a counselor that I think I will be comfortable talking to, and an appointment has been set! I am quite excited and looking forward to it. For reasons I can't understand, I just feel it might be refreshing to talk to someone who doesn't know me, and is not going through a grieving cycle themselves. We have an appointment Tuesday, so we shall see. Josh and I are meeting with a counselor at the church on Sunday, so we will see how that goes as well.
I stuck to my plan of keeping busy and active, and again I had a great day. I got my nails done, went to dinner and a comedy club. All afternoon and evening I laughed and laughed. I have wonderful friends.
I feel like I am forgetting something that I was supposed to do this weekend. Today my brain completely left me while at the grocery store. As I have previously stated, I need a personal driver. Today, after returning into the car, I put the van in reverse. I failed to remember that I had done this, and as I searched for my phone in my purse with solid concentration, I did not realize that the van was slowly moving backward across the parking lot. Bam! Right into a curb. Thank God that was all that I hit, and I looked up from my searching wondering who just hit me... I then looked around to see all the people staring at me. Nice. I remember a fleeting thought pass through my mind as I saw the cars next to me move away, "huh, that's funny, both cars leaving at the same time. Hmm. Where is that darn phone?" I am losing it.
Whew, I am tired now. Everyone else is asleep, and I think I will join them. Tomorrow, if I don't remember what I was supposed to do, I am going to clean. That's my plan.
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