Yesterday was a long day, but a nice one. Tommy and I had to get up early to take Josh's parents to the airport. Tommy was quite disappointed that in the past week he has made two trips to the airport, but has not gotten on a plane, nor has been able to see a plane take off. He keeps asking when Daddy will be home, and I will tell him, 4 nite-nites. He then ponders that and says, "no...two!". I tell him that Daddy will be home Friday night. He then asks what day today is, and then the argument becomes circular, as he continues to believe he can negotiate his fathers return date. It's funny. The first few times...
After the airport trip, we came home and still had a couple of hours before Tommy went to school. I tried to lure him into cuddling with me on the couch, but he wanted to play. So I laid on the couch with one arm dangling down on the ground, half heartedly playing with the trains. He could tell I wasn't fully invested in this playtime, so I swear he sighed, got the blanket and covered me, turned on the TV and said, "here Mama, watch TV". Oh my Tommy. I took him to school and he sprinted for the door before I was done getting his backpack out of the car. His teacher had been on vacation and he was beyond excited to see her. He was already hugging her legs by the time I had gotten to the classroom. I love that he enjoys school so much, it has been great for him.
While Tommy was at school, I met up with a friend and had another wonderful lunch. I picked Tommy up and we went home. All by ourselves. The big house so empty and quiet. The rest of the afternoon was spent playing Lego's for hours. Then trains, then Lego's. We went to Target and he got a cheap helicopter toy. I love his laugh, the deep guttural laugh, when something is so funny. The helicopter would dance around the coffee table, barely hovering, but he thought it was hysterical. Every inch of the living room is covered with Lego's, trains, books, and blocks. Humongous mess. Each time I tried to pick it up, it didn't last long. After dinner, bath time, and reading time, we watched a movie. He curled up in my lap and fell asleep. There is nothing better then the feeling of holding your child in your arms while they are deep in sleep. For one, they are quiet. Just kidding. He is so beautiful when he sleeps. I carried him to his bed, then I had quiet time.
I purchased a new purse the other day, and switched out all of the items from my old to my new. In a fold in the bottom of the old purse, I found one of Riley's pacifiers. Holding it in my hand, I felt mixed emotions. Honestly, I wanted to suck on it, connect with Riley, odd I know. I thought back to the memories with the pacifier. Neither of my children ever really took to pacifiers, but we still tried when nothing else seemed to work. My heart stopped for a minute when I saw it. I miss holding him up, face to face, nose to nose. When he was hungry, he would lean into my face and starting sucking on my nose. I always thought that was so funny. God, it still hurts so bad. In four days he would have been 4 months old.
My "homework" from my personal counselor was to take some quiet time, relax and try to let myself grieve. Let go of whatever seems to keep me from opening my vault of feelings, and release. So far, I am failing. I tried. I tried last night, and this morning while sitting on the back porch. I can't explain it, the block, the dam holding back the flood of my emotions. Maybe it will come, in it's own time. Like a quiet monster, waiting to jump out of the closet and surprise me.
I don't know. I feel quite lonely today.
On a side note, Josh's cat is going CRAZY. This thing is running all over the house, and then he will stop right in front of me, meow really loud and crazy-like, then dart off. It's like he just stopped to yell at me. He finally resorting to coming around me and rubbing against my legs, as if to say, "fine, I guess I'm stuck with you". But then I shoo him away (I don't like him that much), and he turns back at me and gives me a kitty Go-to-hell look. Fine by me. Furry punk.
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