I can do it.

I am so glad that we went out to our friends house today. I laughed so hard, my sides ached and it hurt to keep smiling. We had a good time, and it was really nice to get out of the house for something really fun. Today all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I was so tired and heavy feeling. I took one Xanax today, and felt so drugged I walked back to check to make sure I didn't take the entire bottle.

Just sad today, a bad day. Josh called me "emotionally unstable". Not sure if that is a proper description, but he might be right. I just feel off still. Even as I type I continue to hit the wrong keys, I type the wrong words, and have to re-read to make sure I make sense.

Yesterday, I went to visit a friend of ours. They have a baby about two months younger then Riley. It was nice to get out of the house, and they also have a son Tommy's age. I felt it was going to be difficult being around another baby, and it was. I did it, I held him. He was fussy in the chair, and I went to pick him up. I felt proud of myself that I could do it with out freaking out. I think it was easier because he looks so different then Riley to me. As I picked him up, I thought, I can do it. I can do it. It still hurt, I felt like I held back a gallon of tears, and tried not to cry. It was like hands on therapy. I talked about Riley as we talked about our kids. It was the first time I have spoken much about Riley. I miss him so. I look at pictures now and he seems different to me. I wish I would have cherished him more, held him more, stared at him more.

Today while lying in bed, I kept thinking, why, why, why? Did I not love him enough? Why this child? I would listen to him scream for a hundred hours straight to have him back with me.
When my friend was nursing her baby, I saw her baby look up into her eyes after he was done. I miss that look. I miss it so bad, my soul hurts. The bonding look, the deep connection to your child. Your baby falling asleep on your chest, the rise and fall of their chest, their angelic face deep in sleep. Riley was just starting to move his head to sounds, and I remember walking back into the bedroom when I had laid him down on the bed and he turned his head at the sound of my voice. And then he would smile.

I see people going about their lives, strangers, and I want to scream. I want to run up to them and yell in their face about the pain I am in. I don't know why I have these feelings. I don't feel like I will ever get over this. Grief is an evolution, of this I am aware. I am so sick of feeling this way, but I can't seem to move past it.

I need to fill my days with more fun times, like today. And remember that I can laugh, I can do it.