So, it's been a while. Why, you ask? No clue. Just didn't darn well feel like it. The past few weeks have been about the same. Good days and bad days, mixed together with a blender, all leaking into each other. Some days I feel normal. I feel like life is worth living and I have hope and a pleasant disposition. Other days I feel groggy, cloudy-headed and grumpy. Eye brows pointed down in a mean looking scowl.
I sit on our bed and fold clothes and stare vacantly at the pictures on our dresser. My favorite is a picture of Tommy and Riley. Riley is looking right into the camera and he just seems so alive. It feels like it has forever since he passed away. At the same time it feels like yesterday.
Some days I feel like my limbs weigh a hundred pounds each. I slug through each day, waiting for the day to wind down. Hours. minutes. I read a book a day. I hide my feelings in my novels, escaping into story after story.
The good days feel like the moments after the storm when the sun pokes through the clouds. I feel happy. A very simple, honest statement. I hope to have more good days then bad.
I go back to work Monday. Day after tomorrow. Last week, before I officially committed to it, I felt ready, and somewhat excited about going back. I felt the small inkling of "stir crazy-ness" and after long days with Tommy...I felt ready to go back. After making the call, and setting the date...now I feel like calling back and saying Just kidding! Now, with the day getting closer, I feel nervous and scared again. I talked about this with my counselor on Thursday, and she suggested talking to my manager about having a message released about people addressing me about Riley. That way people don't even have to worry about what to say to me, not that I am at the center of the universe, but I really don't want to talk about it. I am looking at work as a means of escape right now. Right now, my days are filled with very little, spending time with Tommy but not much else. My mind is left to think, left to it's own destructive devices sometimes. And I am about done being home with Tommy. I adore and love the boy, but he is tiring, as a 4 year old can be.
I am glad I am going to counseling, I really like her. I never felt that it would be a fit for me, but most sessions I feel like skipping to my car afterwards. I feel lighter, open, and free. I keep the little ball of emotions right in my chest, physically impacted by grief. Talking about my feelings has never been something that I have ever felt comfortable with, but it works. Oh, I like it.
I just want to have fun, feel like the weight is gone. Last night we went to the Halloween party (dressed as zombies...ironic) but we just weren't feeling it. I could have indulged and got toasty, but I just didn't feel like it. I see everyone having fun, and I want to cry. I was talking with another mom about her baby monitor, and she told us how much it cost. A pretty penny, but she said it gave her piece of mind. Oh what I wouldn't do to turn back time, buy, steal, beg, borrow that video monitor. After that conversation, it was like a switch flipped. Annnnd done. I feel like I failed all over again.
Tommy bit someone at school last week, and while the teacher was telling me about it, I felt shameful, like the stink of parental failure was oozing off of me. I wanted to cry, I wanted to spank Tommy's backside off. I feel I have always doubted myself as a parent, and Rileys death was a giant slap in the face. More pity party for me. I have been on a three day stretch of bad days.
And so now I have one more day before I return to a "normal" day of my life. Back to the way it was, only with no little baby.
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