It's all in the planning

So, I seem to have discovered a pattern of my moods recently. I may have figured out this bi-polar grief roller coaster. I have noticed that certain days are better than others, and by golly, I think I've got it. On the "bad days", as I call them, I stay at home, wallowing in the depths, slugging my way through the day, giving everyone the stink eye. On my "good days",I am out and about, meeting up with people, getting out of the house, and showering...
So, I have decided to try to have a nice balance of days filled with a sprinkling of human interaction. I put out the memo to friends, and have a nice social calendar brewing. Especially for next week, as Josh will be out of town for work. I like this, it gives me something to look forward to, and I leave each "date" with such a happy feeling.

Today I felt joyful. Until just now, I just realized I ate the last of the chocolate covered pretzels and I swear I had one more in that bag. I didn't have a chance to savor that one last bite. I thought I had one more in there. There you go...a life lesson. Savor each chocolate covered pretzel. You never know if the next time you reach your hand back into the bag if it will be empty. And now I'm sad.

Back to my plan. I remove myself from my stinky (literally) pit of despair, and get back at it. I have lunch dates, movie dates, and a mani-pedi date. I just needed something for next Friday during the day...

So yes, today was joyful. God and I made up, and I felt happy. I had lunch with some great people, and it was a nice long lunch where you linger for a while and just talk. I finished making the earrings to complete a set I made for my aunt, and sent it away in the mail. Then, I came home and had a box waiting for me! Goodies from my aunt! Yay! An adorable top, a WONDERFUL craft tote, a book (!), lots of great beads, and more bead storage containers. Loved it. What a great surprise and I loved each and every item. I remember when my Mom mailed me a care package when I was in college. I called her and said, "Mom, you live 15 minutes away, seriously?...". But it was nice to get something in the mail, and spend the time unpacking everything. Getting mail is much more fun, real tangible mail!

My mission of trying to rope in a counselor is still underway. Paula Dean had a wait list, I still have messages that I left for 4 other counselors, and the only one that called me back sounded like she was a nice old lady. I don't know if I feel comfortable spilling my guts to grandma, and I do not mean to offend. I hate to seem so picky, but as Mary pointed out, I need to feel a connection and feel comfortable, so I am continuing to try. I have a good feeling about one I called today. I will stalker call these people if that's what it takes.

Other then my phone calls, I ran a few errands and just felt joyful. I was singing and dancing along to the music, and was happy to be out and about. Yet after I ate lunch, I felt rushed like I needed to get home. That was the feeling I always had with Riley, I think with any baby that young. But then, it was like my brain had pushed it away and was so happy for the joy, it forgot reality. And then I remember I don't have to rush home. Sometimes grief hits you like a brick wall. It tightens my chest and takes my breath away. Even now, recounting the feeling makes me step back and lose my train of thought. I still sometimes have trouble fully comprehending he is dead. I keep picturing him so alive in my mind.

Ugh, back to the joy! please, get back there! Happy thoughts...happy thoughts.
I still have plans for tomorrow, and will have another good day tomorrow. I will plan on calling more counselors. Darn it, I keep reaching for the Pretzel bag! I plan on buying more of those tomorrow....