Help Wanted

I want to be strong, I want to be normal and return to the normal daily life. I know that we have a new normal to adjust to, and I just don't want to. The last two days, I feel like I backslid into weakness. It feels like the numbness is wearing off and reality is setting in. Yesterday I did not want to do anything. I wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there forever. Tommy, however does not seem to share the same feelings as I do, and pulls me out of bed when I feel this way. Literally, he grabs my leg and pulls.

Yesterday however, Tommy didn't succeed. Yesterday I cried. I sobbed. I let out feelings bottled up inside. I can't say that I felt better, but I felt less like a coke bottle that had been shaken up. Yesterday, someone came and slowly released a little pressure from that bottle. I had a horrible headache and laid down. Tommy tried to rouse me, but it didn't work. I then had a little boy snuggled up under my arm, staring me right in the face, eye to eye. We fell asleep, and it was a sweet sleep.

I just feel like I should be strong enough for this, and sometimes I am. But sometimes I feel like this weight will end me, crush me. I am reading a nice book on grief, and one of the stories said that you have to let your body grieve. I feel I am not. I want to cry but don't. I miss Riley so much, the pressure seems to much to live with. I was expected to return to work next week, but I don't think I will be able. I want to return to normal life, but I don't want to return to normal life. My baby died and my heart is broken. I feel like returning to normal life is not right. I understand enough that the journey we face ahead is a long and challenging one. With difficult high hills and low valleys. As time moves on, I know that the road on the journey will smooth, and be easier to navigate. But right now, all I see is a large, looming mountain with treacherous, stiff peaks, and dangerous paths. And I don't want to start climbing.

I feel like the initial shock and emotional separation is leaving me, and leaving me open and raw. I contacted two counselors, and one has called back to schedule an appointment. I feel better about this, but I have never liked or understood counseling. I am not one to talk about how I feel to a random person. But I know that this is a tool for my journey, and if I need a cane to help me walk, I must take it.

I like having things to look forward to. My cousin is coming down in a couple weeks and I can't wait to see her. We were invited to a party to watch the UT game tomorrow and I can't wait. It's a nice change to the sadness, a time to not be at home enveloped in grief. I didn't write yesterday because I didn't want to. I think of this as a personal journal for my thoughts and feelings, but sometimes I think, "will the people that read this eventually get sick and tired of me always being sad and depressed?" I don't know. Maybe someday another mother who is going through what I am going through will read this and find some solace with the fact she is not alone.

I miss my humor. I love my husband. Even though he is a jerk and deleted my recording of Project Runway. Sometimes I seem to mess up the DVR, it does not give him the right to take away my recording of one of my favorite shows. Punk. Sorrrryyy.

So anyone out there who reads this, I ask of you, please continue to pray. Pray for me, my husband, my Tommy, my family. It was those thoughts and prayers that saved us and pushed us through the first few weeks. Autopilot must be released. Now comes the hard part. And we still need help.