Tiny Angels

Tiny Angel

Tiny Angel rest your wings

sit with me for awhile.

How I long to hold your hand

and see your tender smile.

Tiny Angel, look at me,

I want this image clear...

That I will forget your precious face

is my biggest fear.

Tiny Angel can you tell me,

why have you gone away?

You weren't here for very long,

why is it that you couldn't stay?

Tiny Angel shook his head,

"These things I do not know...

But I do know that you love me,

and that I love you so".

How sweet the sound

Today after I dropped off Tommy at school I was driving and put in a CD that had some of the music from Riley's memorial on it. I really do like the song, but it brought me right back to how I was feeling that day. There is a CD with orchestra music that is also in the car, and I can't listen to that without getting upset. It was the music I always played for Riley in the car when he would start to cry.

I just remember the day feeling so surreal. Who can ever imagine having to attend their children's funeral? I still can't fully fathom everything that happened, and little moments during the day will still overwhelm me with grief. I just feel like I should have been there, I should have stopped this from happening some how and that kills me.

The day of the funeral, I feel I only made it through by the grace of God. In my time of desperate need, a good friend from high school was there for me. Her support and prayers I know helped me function and keep looking up. As we walked out of the room in the back into the sanctuary, I remember thinking, "this isn't happening". Holding my husband's hand, we took our seats to say our goodbyes to our beloved son. I listened to the words of the pastor, reading off the family names. Then hearing my parents names, both passed away. That wrenched my heart.

I remember being so proud of my dear husband to be able to speak in front of the crowd the words from his heart. I silently urged him on, praying for Josh to have the strength and focus to do as he wanted to do.

Watching the slide show was like slow pinpricks deep into my heart. I loved those pictures, but to see them again was so hard. My baby is gone. I put the slide show together, and I was proud of myself for being able to accomplish that.
The remainder of the service went on like a slow blur. I held on to Josh, and was so thankful for my aunt being by my other side.

Before I knew it, it was over. The pastor walked down to shake our hands, and I was confused. Josh held my hand as we were led out into the front vestibule. I could hear Elvis singing Amazing Grace. I felt dead inside. I felt so light headed, I thought I was going to faint. I remember looking across the room and seeing a couch. My entire goal was to make it to the couch and sit down. But I never made it there. I was not prepared for what was going to happen next. Everything I was avoiding during the week culminated into an onslaught for that next hour. No one told me that we would be lined up for people to address us on their way out. I kept thinking it was like our wedding. But on the EXTREME opposite end of the scale. No happy hugs or well wishes. Instead countless sorrowful hugs and "I'm so sorry for you" a hundred times.
Not that I am not thankful for every one's support, I was just not prepared for this.

As the line formed and people continued on, I think at one point I said, "Next..." to someone I didn't know. Not very tasteful, I know, but I thought it was slightly humorous.
I was very overwhelmed with all the love and support, and my emotions let loose on a few people. I felt so drained, empty. This milestone now passed, what next?

I still feel that way. The days are zooming by, and I don't know what to do next.

Driven Mad and Crazy

So today I displayed another example of why I am still not normal. No comments from the peanut gallery needed.

What is normal? How long until I am normal again? I suppose after this event in our lives, we will have a new normal to define and create. And learn to live with. That's how grief works to me. I never seem to get over it, or move on from it. I just learn to get used to it. You learn to get used to your new reality, as soon as you can accept that your new reality even happened.

Along with everything else, Josh's car started having issues and was put into the shop right before Riley died. The warranty people are not going to cover it, and at this moment we do not know what we are going to do. The Jeep needs a new engine and it is going to cost a tremendous amount of money to fix. Sigh. I'm not trying to lead into another pity party, but it just really seems unfair. We have been showered with so much love and support these last couple of weeks, and for that I am very thankful. I just wish that we didn't have this problem to deal with as well.
I have had so much anxiety over this, but I have to trust that everything will work out alright.

In a desperate attempt, I purchased a scratch off ticket, hoping that I would win just enough to cover the cost of the repairs. That as I waved my hand over the glass case holding the tickets I would be led to the winning ticket. As much as I would love to report that was the case, nope. But, really? Do things ever work out like that? Josh said God doesn't play the lotto. It did feel a little pathetic to hope that my method would work.

I just don't feel right, just not normal. As mentioned above, my experience of un-normalcy. While we were running an errand today, we had an issue at one place. It was such a stupid issue, a price discrepancy. But I felt myself getting so mad that it took me by surprise. As I could feel my face redden, I knew that this was not an appropriate response to such a trivial thing. I could feel Josh awkwardly trying to dissuade the situation, and reel me back in. I was waiting for him to call me Janet, but instead he just calmly stated, "hmmm, I don't think that you are quite ready to return to work yet". He said that he felt I would "bludgeon someone with a 2X4" if they crossed me the wrong way. Me? Nooooo. Well? Hmmmm.

I feel tired, sad, frustrated, lonely at times, and empty. I feel like I have a missing puzzle piece that I just can't find. An itch I can't scratch. A craving I can't satisfy. If any of that makes sense. I feel lost with no purpose. I still feel like a failure as a parent.

And all of this drives me crazy.

Oh it hurts...

So today was a good day.

Josh and I started the day by dropping Tommy off at preschool. It was a funny conversation with the teacher, as Tommy had a rough weekend. After the fall at school Friday, Tommy then got a busted lip at a birthday party on Saturday from falling. Then on Sunday he learned a tough lesson...Don't get in a little dog's face, or you will get bit. So he was bit. So when we dropped him off, he looked a little worse for wear. And he was in SUPER grouch mode all weekend from a cold or allergies, and decided he no longer felt like taking medicine. It was very tiring.

I feel wrong getting mad at Tommy right now, like it breaks a rule or something. Not that we aren't still disciplining him, we may have been a wee bit more lenient lately, but we have some rules. I mean being mad or annoyed at him. It seems wrong, like he is the only child we have left, so how can I be annoyed with him? Sighhhhhhh

After dropping Tommy off, we went for a couples massage. It was a cheap price, and we got to have a nice morning together, holding hands across the massage room. Just kidding we didn't hold hands. We did hurt together, for as the day went on, the pain from the knots being rubbed in our tense muscles seemed to get worse and worse. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. We just move sorely right now, and say "ouch" every now and then.

We then ran a few errands, ate lunch, I purchased some beads for another jewelry project. And the beads were on sale, joy! And such beautiful weather today too!

While on the back porch, I got a text from a friend I hadn't talked to in a while. She was asking something about my work. I realized that she didn't know. And I didn't know how to tell her.
I felt a panic attack coming on, and took some Xanax. I really wanted to talk to her to see how she was doing, but I didn't want to tell her.

I called, we talked. She asked how I was. I said not good. I realized that in the past two weeks since Riley died, I had not broken the news to anyone. I have not had to say the words out loud. As we talked, I felt so sad, nervous, scared, and confused. What do you say? How should you say it? How do the words come out of your mouth? How and why?

So I said it, my baby boy Riley died. She was shocked, said she didn't know what to say. That's okay, I was used to hearing that. I was not as emotional as I thought I would have been, considering this milestone. But it hurt. It hurt to share this information, and as a fellow mother, I know she hurt hearing this information. Right now, nothing takes the pain away, I still miss him every moment.

But today, all considering, was a good day. Except Josh and I hurt, in more ways then one.

Sticky and Sucky

Sometimes I still can't believe this is real. How is this is my life. I am still hoping like crazy this is an awful nightmare, just dragging on forever.

I miss my little guy. Riley was supposed to be MY kiddo. Josh has Tommy, I had Riley. Josh and Tommy are so similar. Tommy came out of the womb with a tan, skin tone like Josh. He also entered the world very lazily, on his own terms, slowly being coaxed out. Sound like anyone we know? Tommy has an inherent competency with anything technological. I know this generation is born with technology, but he was attracted to it at an early age, and has shown a high aptitude for electronics. Just like Josh. A freight train could pass through the bedroom and neither of them would even startle. Tommy looks like Josh, acts like him, and I swear the other day, he turned to me and Josh's words and tone came out of his mouth. I know I birthed the kid, but I am lost in there.

Riley was supposed to be mine. He came out pasty white, quick and in a hurry. Three pushes and there he was. No coaxing needed, he was ready. He looked more like me. He was such a light sleeper, a light breeze would wake him. Just like me. He was crankier, fussier and ate all the time. No comment needed on those. I just knew he was going to love to read, love to learn, love to help others, and just be my kid.

What saddens me more is the lost future. I will never see him crawl, walk, or run. We will never celebrate birthdays, holidays, or achievements. There will be no "Baby's First Christmas" stocking hung on the mantle. I was at a birthday party for one of our friends little boy, and I couldn't help but think, "I will never be able to have a party for Riley".
UGGHH!!!! I just want to scream. It's not fair and it sucks.

I just feel so sad. I wish sadness was like water, and I could just shake it off and wring it out. But this sadness is more like sticky molasses. Sweet memories. Hard to wipe off.

I just want to hold him again.

Let's get ready!

I have two good friends that are pregnant right now, and I can't wait. I put my grief aside and I am so excited and anxious for them, one a new addition and one a new adventure. I can't wait for those wonderful women to have the next great experience in their lives. I just have to get ready.

At this moment in time, if I were handed a baby this second, I don't know what I would do, if I would be able to hold the baby. Right now, I feel as if I held a baby, my feelings would tornado inside, spinning everything into a mess. I don't know if I would scream to Josh, "Hurry, get the car!", or if the comparison to my lost love would be too strong to endure. Since Riley died, I have touched a baby. But I did not offer or want to hold him.

I reallllly need to get into counseling. I wish I had a secretary, someone to politely ask to make and keep my appointments and possibly retrieve me a few mugs of coffee. That is a great idea.

Last night I was full on d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d. I couldn't shake it. It is the most frustrating feeling to want to be lively, but there is a heavy veil over you, preventing you from doing anything but slug along. I thought going over to hang out a my brother's house would lift me out of the funk. It didn't. And to make matters worse (for me mentally), Tommy fell at Preschool and hit his head. He was then groggy, grumpy, and acting sensitive to light. What do you think goes on inside the mother of a child who is injured when she just lost a child? Ohhhh, hysterics. But I think I kept that bottled up pretty good. (Thank you Xanax. Hey, I ain't got no shame).
God did get an onslaught of prayers, bargains, and yelling from me though.

Today I feel better. I slept with Tommy last night, and woke up all night to check to make sure he was okay. Ironically, I feel more well rested. I love sleeping nestled with my little guy, smelling his hair. Wrapping my arm around him and kissing his soft smooth cheek, holding his little hand in mine.
Someday his cheek will have stubble, and his hand will be bigger then mine. And I will have to let him go. But I don't have to worry about that right now. Right now he still wants to cuddle with his mama, and let me kiss all over his face.
I love sleeping nestled with my little guy....until I get pushed out of bed. By strong tiny feet. Kneeling on the ground next to the bed, I look up at my boys. They have the same features, Tommy is Josh incarnate. I feel bursting with love for them.

Maybe that's the secret for having a better day. Wake up on the right side of the bed.

A new kind of tired

I feel so tired all day. I go to sleep feeling exhausted, and wake up feeling tired. It just seems no matter how many stimulating things I consume, I never seem to feel alert or fresh. This is a new tired. I have birthed two children, and have had countless sleepless nights, but I don't remember being this tired all the time.

I had a doctors appointment today was was prescribed anti-depressants. I still don't know how I feel about that, and I haven't yet filled the prescription. I am perplexed by antidepressants and how they work. I'm sure I can read numerous medical documents explaining the process, but it still seems odd to me.

I feel weak, both mentally and physically. I just want to spend all day lying in bed. I miss Riley so much. I have been told that grief is exhausting. I am so tired.

Thank God for a Giving Heart

I thought a lot about my parents today. I often picture them holding Riley now. That gives me comfort and pain. Comfort to know that Riley is not alone in heaven, but pain that he is not with me. I have an image in my mind of Jesus handing Riley over to my Mom. As he returned to heaven, what were his feelings? Was he surprised? What do we believe?

My parents taught me so many things, one precious lesson they taught me was to give. Give to others, if when you do not think you have anything to give. I know we were low income when I grew up, but I don't remember my childhood being centered around that. I remember my Mom making food for someone who did not have a warm dinner to eat. I remember my father having me pull his wallet out to give a friend the last of his money. I miss them. I miss their words. I miss cuddling up next to my Dad when I was sad, sick, or just needing love. I miss talking with my silly mother, who I know would crawl up a mountain of glass on her hands and knees for me, as she would tell me. It is because of them, and the example they set for me, that I am the person I am. I always feel pulled in my heart to give. Give a hug, a smile, a dollar, a listening ear. I miss my parents, immensely.

As I was talking with Josh the other night, I stated that I was 0-3, as death was concerned. Being who he is, he always flips to the other side of my argument, playing devil's advocate. And I always ask him who's side he is on. He said I wasn't 0-3, I was 2-3, or 15-3, or 350-3. Look at it from the better end of the deal. Punk.

My parents also taught me Faith. With my parents, I saw them in many different stages of faith, some good, some bad. But that showed me life is tough, life can suck. But it's what we do during those times that can support or crush us.

This is why I know there is a God. I told this to a friend today. Sometimes when you need to hear the right words, they come. In different ways, some when you think it is all random coincidences.

I asked my Sister-in-law to chose a scripture for the handouts for Riley's memorial. I asked her to select something about peace. I gave her no other direction, no where to look or section to search from. Josh and I dealt with much emotion about what Riley went through during his last moments. What did he feel, was he scared, angry, or sad? I can say that it almost tormented me as a mother, for my greatest fear is that my children will ever feel true pain or fear. My sister in law emailed me a draft of the handout, and at the bottom was the scripture chosen.

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." (Prov 3:24)

Reading this, I felt it was a message, a reassurance, a peaceful gift to release us of our worries. God does answer prayers. God may not give answers to questions, but sometimes the answers or reasons will not release us from our grief. My husband and I miss our beautiful baby every minute, and we are raw with hurt, but we can come together and be thankful for the time we did have with Riley, however brief. We are so lucky to have Tommy, to brighten this dark time in our life. I am still angry, sad, broken, and depressed. But, as I told my friend, I can shake my fist at God and know he understands.

I have Faith. I was given that.

Grumpy Gus

Today I felt like I personified the textbook example for depressed. I just feel grumpy and depressed. Look in the dictionary, there would be my picture.

I feel my control over my temperament slipping. Oops. There it goes. The only people I don't feel this towards is Josh and Tommy. Tonight I went to the store and had an unsuccessful shopping trip. I went for this, it was sold out. I went for that, it was sold out. Don't do me wrong HEB, I love this store. By the time I reached the checkout, I was in full on grump-mode. I loaded up my selections and waited. It was at this time that the cashiers were switching out for a lunch break. I stared, more like glared, as the two hormonal teenagers flirted over the drawer exchange, "tee hee, oh stop that!" Blechhh. After 5 minutes (more like 15 seconds) went by, I finally pierced the annoying adolescent banter with, "Enough, come on already!". That earned me two rude looks from the indignant punks.

This is why I know I am not ready to return to work soon. The first customer with a trivial issue, or an employee with a petty concern would not get my best dignified response.

I always joke (to myself) that I have a little man running my brain. He works all day, retrieving files from my filing cabinets in my memory, presses the correct controls to keep me in line, and helps steer me in the right direction. Sometimes I feel like he is on a coffee break, and I feel my self slipping and about to say something nasty. Just when he is savoring his sip of coffee, he realizes what is about to happen, drops the mug and dives on the EDIT button.

Right now, that little man pressed the auto-pilot button, climbed into bed and pulled the covers over his head. Boooo.

That is all. I'm tired.

Cloudy with a chance of Sunshine

Yesterday was a better day.
I had a friend help come over and help clean and organize a few rooms, and clean up the fridges with all of the food.

It has been hard to look at the empty spot where Riley's crib was, and now we moved some things around to fill the gap. Funny how things work out. I am so glad that Riley was still sleeping in our room. If we had a nursery set up, I think that would be much harder to deal with an entire room devoted to your child.

After my nice visit from my cleaning buddy, the day felt better. I felt more organized and assured. Then I was able to spend some wonderful quality time with my boo. Dinner and a movie was really nice, and it was refreshing to have something fun to look forward to.

Sleep was hard. How is it that you can be so tired, almost falling asleep on the way to the bed, but as soon as you go down. No sleep. Nothing. WHY!!! I was so exhausted, but felt I barely slept a wink. Then add my Tommy monkey to the mix when he joined us in the middle of the night, and I really couldn't sleep.

Today has been hard. I feel like I need a good cry, a release. I really hate driving. I wish at some point in my life I could reach a status that I had a personal driver. And I don't need a limo or even a town car. Drive me in my old Neon for all I care. "Saddle up Jeeves, Mama needs a Slurpee".

I went to the Home Depot today to get some shelf brackets, and felt like crying all the way. No, not because I was going to Home Depot, I just don't know why. I feel like I lose focus all the time. I don't remember things. This is so hard for me as I usually have a razor sharp mind and memory. I got in the car and looked frantically for my keys in my purse, not realizing the car was already started with the keys hanging from the ignition. You would have thought the air conditioning blasting my face would have been a dead give-away. I drive and forget where I am going, or don't pay attention, and three missed exits later I finally get back to reality.
See, I need a driver.

It is such a weird thing to feel like the days zoom by, but the minutes drag on. I remember feeling this way with each of my parents. Days turned to weeks, turned to months, then to years. Time is a funny thing. It can heal, and it can hurt. I don't want time to pass quickly. It scares me to forget even the smallest detail about Riley. When my parents died, I remember it being like a slow fade. Fade to black. When fresh, you can hear their voice in your head, closing your eyes and feeling as if they are in the room. Time passes and you barely remember things that they used to say to you. The guilt that comes with that is hard. You feel like if you were a better person, you wouldn't let yourself forget.

I feel like a person with a cloud following them around. Like the cartoon where no one else is getting rained on, but you.

Guess I need to start using an umbrella.

Love you K.

What a faker.

I feel like I act happy. Inside I feel so broken hearted. I look at pictures of Riley and I feel a dangerous bubbling under the surface. When my Mom died, I could not and would not look at pictures of her, as to not allow myself to feel the grief.

It is different with my son. I hurt. So bad. I look at pictures and I weep. On the inside. I feel like I fake my demeanor right now. Fake it 'till you make it. But I feel myself starting to breakdown. I am exhausted from constantly acting as if I am okay.

I am not trying to keep my feelings inside, and I know that I have a great support system. If I have realized anything from this past week, it is that Josh and I have wonderful friends and family. So many people would drop anything and help us. I just feel that I can't. I don't want to. I need to line up counseling, of this I am aware.

I miss him so much. I miss feeling needed. I miss nursing him. I miss his big toe on his right foot that he always seemed to tense up. I miss the nasty rotten milk smell in his neck folds. I miss coming home from work and feeling like I was the only person that he wanted. I miss rubbing his head and watching his eyelids close in sleep. I miss everything.

Josh and I smell his baby clothes and pass them back and forth like crack. It's our personal crack.

It hurts so bad.

I adore my Tommy, and without him I would feel lost. He gives me a reason to keep going. That and Pluckers Fried Pickles. Josh is out getting me some tonight. I love my husband.

You've had a bad day and felt like a sandwich.

Inside my mind I had a bad day, a mental pity party that was like a broken record playing over and over.

I woke up and wanted to cry and cry and cry. I went into the bathroom and barely felt the energy to lift my arms. I had to get ready, but I didn't want to. I wanted to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head, and pretend to have a stomach ache. Although I know I can talk to Josh about how I feel, I didn't feel like sharing my depressed thoughts. I felt like an angry spider monkey jumped on my back and latched on tight, whispering mean, cranky and breaking things into my ear. Go choke on a banana you evil monkey.

But I got dressed. Didn't shower, but at least I put on clean clothes.

Josh and I went to church together for the first time in a long time. It was nice. It was difficult.
During the service I felt angry. Why did God take my baby? I would never wish this upon any one, but I almost felt like I would to get my baby back. But those feelings do no good. I cannot trade or barter my baby back. Anger is a wasted emotion. But that doesn't stop me from being angry now does it?

Within my fog of a pity party I realized I have lost both of my parents and my child. I have death on both sides of me, top and bottom. I am a Georgie grief sandwich. Again...pity. party.

A bright spot was a wonderful lunch with wonderful people. A happy moment.
Yesterday I kissed a babies head, and tickled a foot. Today I did it again. It felt nice.

I did get angry with a certain person who shall remain nameless. It angered me to the point of yelling (not at the person but at my poor husband about it), it was the first time that I felt my grip on my emotions slip.

People are who they are, and I am in no position to judge. But God help me I can't stress enough to everyone to love and cherish their children. Sometimes you don't feel like it. Put that aside and show your love. No one is perfect, no parent is perfect. Love is perfect.

The end.

Oh What a Feeling

Today was the memorial for Riley. I can't share just yet how I felt about that.

I can't seem to get a grip on how I feel.

Georgie feels: sad+exhausted+melancholy+happy+lonely. Sadexmelonhaponly.

After everyone departed today, I left to run some errands. Some necessary, some not. It was the first time I was alone in the past seven days. Right before I left, I changed my earrings. I looked into the mirror and felt pretty. It felt odd to feel that way.

My first errand was to find a dry cleaner that could have Josh's suit jacket ready by Monday morning. FIVE dry cleaners later, I finished that feat. But on the positive side, it was near a Which Wich. I love those sandwiches. So I ate my sandwich by myself. And I felt happy.

My next errand was to go to the mall to exchange something, and get a thank you present for someone that did an amazing thing for us this week. As I walked through the mall, it was a crowded Saturday, full of teeny-boppers and old people. Navigating the busy mall, I visited my new favorite store. I selected my gift and walked out. I felt lonely. Such an odd feeling to have while surrounded by so many people.

Time feels like it moves so slow. I feel like I lose focus and just zone off into space. I stared at a Hello Kitty top in the children's section for what was probably 20 minutes. I got asked if I needed help by three different sales people. Perhaps they thought I was pondering just how to fit this size 5T shirt into my XL wardrobe. Perhaps they were wondering just when to call security. Ha.

I then went to my FAVORITE store. A craft store. Ahhhhh.....Perusing the goods, I touched everything, like I was trying to savor every moment. I missed my family that just left. I could just hear my aunt's voice in my head. I felt melancholy. Like I needed some Enya theme music to follow me around.

Sigh, then I went to Kohl's to get Josh a shirt. I usually love any Kohl's time, but it made me yearn to be with my husband so bad, I could hardly stand to not jump on the closest Josh look-a-like. I feel such a pull to my husband that I just want to share every breath with him. He is going to have to shake me off his leg like a dog in heat.

Driving home, I still had to stop by the store....and then get gas...which is a task I detest. Lugging the bags to the car I felt exhausted. And sad.

I miss my baby.

Because I have to.

My son died.

I just want to sleep until the world ends.
I just want to cry until my body runs dry.
I just want to scream until my vocal cords no longer work.
I just want to curse so harsh that the devil would cringe.

But I do not. I feel I have to be strong. Because I have to.
I feel guilty putting earrings on. I feel like I should wear a black shroud and not be seen in any other state but hysterical crying. But I can't do that. I have to be strong. I feel peaceful, calm and supported. I can't explain it. I am an emotional person, and to have this sense of calm is well....calming.

I have to be strong. Because I have to.

I select my clothes in the morning. Do I wear ugly unwashed sweat pants to show that I don't care how I look? So I will look as I barely can move forward? No, today I choose a gold and silver sequin top. It sparkles so much.

I will say that I haven't felt the energy to shower, sorry to all of the people around me. I squirted some perfume in particular places, so that should help.

I want to steal all the babies I see and just put them all in a room to hear the screaming, giggling, and babbling. I want to love on every pregnant woman I see to let them know just how special the experience they have coming up is. I want everyone to cherish their children.

I can't say that I regret anything. Regret is for losers. La-who-sa-hers.

My world will forever be different, but I know that I will move forward. I adore my Tommy and my Josh. I have to be strong. Because I have to dammit.