Really just once, I would like to place my hand on someone (my husband preferably) and have my feelings transfer to that person in an M. Night Shyamalan fashion. With cinematic climax, suddenly the person (Josh) receiving my feelings would tense up, head snap back, as if possessed by a strange bolt of electricity. Then my dear husband (that's would could use this the most) would suddenly realize that I'm not bat shit crazy, and tenderly stroke my hair while he whispered sweetly in my ear, "I understand everything now, my precious wife, let me rub your feet and make you dinner".
But, that is very unlikely to happen.
And for as many times as I have glared at him, just once hoping that my feelings would somehow travel across the room and into his thick skull....still nothing. However, I feel he might be more concerned about the times he catches me staring at him, seemly chanting to myself. Awkward sideways glances....wondering where the nearest instrument of self defense would be....
Thus are the life and times of a pregnant woman.
I can't even begin to describe the feelings, the overwhelming roller coaster of emotions. I wish that I could garner enough emotional strength to properly deal with and act accordingly with the ebb and flow of turbulent feelings.
At this moment, today, I am feeling overwhelmed. Scared, lost, sad... I am a procrastinator by birth, and with such, I am just dealing with my lack of actions. I just wish that someone could tell me the right decision to make. I would love to talk to my Mom about what I should do, what the right path is. But, unfortunately that is not an option, thus making me sad. And there I go crying again.
Yes, I am pregnant again. Moments of great happiness over take me and I am consumed with anticipation about having another baby. I cannot wait, I keep imagining what it will be like. This little blessing is a girl. I still feel in shock about that news. I was resigned to the fact that I was going to just be the mother of boys. But, there in the picture, was a girl.
In some ways, I feel that this will be easier. That I will be less upset because it will not be as easy to draw comparisons between her and Riley. In other ways, I feel less ready to open myself up to the possible pain or hurt if something happens. I would love to put Tommy in a bubble and not let him out. The thought of him going to a big school scares the crap out of me. I picture all the bad things, but then sensibly, I understand all of the wonderful good things too.
I just want to crawl in bed and stay there for quite some time. That's how I feel today.
And on top of everything, my cooking has been crappy lately. One meal was barely edible.
Oh the hormones!
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