Captain Georgie

Well hello.
We completed an inventory process at work, and I was the "Inventory captain". As I have done this many times, it was an easy task for me to enter back into the routine of work. While we were working, there was another manager that was looking for a certain product and was not finding it. I went to look for it, and after searching and arguing, I located the product. I was quite elated. With a T.O. inspired end zone dance, I threw the clipboard down and did my best MC Hammer happy routine. As I watched the other manager in the midst of my celebration, I noticed the flash of disappointment and anger cross her face. I realized I was being a bit too gratuitous with my self-praise. Oops. Okay, so I didn't throw the clipboard down, but I was gloating a little bit. Okay, a lot. I felt so proud of myself, and to be honest, it was great to feel something positive. After weeks of dredging through the days, feeling as if the life was being vacuumed sucked out of me, it was great to feel useful and accomplished. At the end of the process, it was very successful, and we had a significant financial gain. Thank you very much, oh there I go again.

Last week was my birthday. I felt so down all day, I woke up with a gloom cloud over my head. I cried all the way to work. I don't know why. It should have been a happier day, but I just felt so bummy. I am blessed to work with wonderful people, and after being treated to lunch, I was given a great big birthday cake. I joked with the HR manager as I returned from lunch, asking where the heck my cake was, and was embarrassed and surprised to find the large cake waiting!

I still think of Riley all the time. It intensifying when I am driving home. It's like a loop playing over and over. I can't believe it's been two months since he passed away. It is starting to feel like a dream, both his life and death. Things start to turn fuzzy, memories fade around the edges, and days go by faster and faster. The holidays are approaching, and I would just like to sleep through everything. With the exception of Tommy, I just don't want to do anything. I am still sleepy all the time, and I wish I could find some solution for constant exhaustion. I feel like I just can't fully enjoy anything. I don't like to tap into my emotions, and I feel another internal dam being built. I haven't been to therapy since returning to work, as I work during the week, but I feel I should be making more effort.

I keep seeing babies everywhere, and I can't help but want another baby. I can really feel the aching and longing inside. I just don't know if I'm ready, but I sure do want another baby. A good friend of mine just had her baby, and he is in the hospital. He aspirated the meconium and is in Dell children's Hospital. Yes, that one has been crossed of my list, but I still want to go visit. Please pray for quick healing and recovery. It hurts my heart to see that little guy in the hospital bed, and I ache inside for the torment the parents are going through.

On another note, I have been watching the Thanksgiving cooking shows on TV, and I just can't wait to cook. I think I will make an apple pie like my mom used to make. Yum.