Well it worked, sort of

Started off sad, but I stuck to my plans!

Someone called me today, not a close friend, but someone I worked with. She said, you must miss Riley so much. "Miss him? MISS HIM?", I don't know why I felt so annoyed at the simple comment. It's like going up to an amputee and glancing at the spot where their arm was and saying, "Man, you must really miss your arm, huh?".


Miss him doesn't even begin to explain the feeling. It's like a part of you was torn away, an act of separation that goes against nature. Parents should never have to feel the loss of a child, it's just wrong. It's a tormenting relentless ache in your chest, a physical pain that changes you. It's a gut wrenching, heart stopping feeling that makes you feel helpless and lost. Something was stolen from you, and a piece of you is now missing. Searching for the reasons and answers does nothing to ease the pain, but you still feel compelled to try.

Today is my Mother's Birthday. Happy Birthday Mom! I realized it when I was driving home last night. After my Dad died, I would still buy Father's Day cards and birthday cards for him. I would write a message to him, tell him how much I loved him, and how much I miss him. Then I would seal it and throw it away. It's purpose was fulfilled. It helped me to reach out to him, imagine him reading the message from heaven, and it connected us again. I think I will buy a birthday card for my Mom. I know I still haven't fully recovered from her death, it was too much of a shock. I just shoved it down and moved on. Repress now, therapy later. Well...now it's later.

But on the upside, I finally found a counselor that I think I will be comfortable talking to, and an appointment has been set! I am quite excited and looking forward to it. For reasons I can't understand, I just feel it might be refreshing to talk to someone who doesn't know me, and is not going through a grieving cycle themselves. We have an appointment Tuesday, so we shall see. Josh and I are meeting with a counselor at the church on Sunday, so we will see how that goes as well.

I stuck to my plan of keeping busy and active, and again I had a great day. I got my nails done, went to dinner and a comedy club. All afternoon and evening I laughed and laughed. I have wonderful friends.

I feel like I am forgetting something that I was supposed to do this weekend. Today my brain completely left me while at the grocery store. As I have previously stated, I need a personal driver. Today, after returning into the car, I put the van in reverse. I failed to remember that I had done this, and as I searched for my phone in my purse with solid concentration, I did not realize that the van was slowly moving backward across the parking lot. Bam! Right into a curb. Thank God that was all that I hit, and I looked up from my searching wondering who just hit me... I then looked around to see all the people staring at me. Nice. I remember a fleeting thought pass through my mind as I saw the cars next to me move away, "huh, that's funny, both cars leaving at the same time. Hmm. Where is that darn phone?" I am losing it.

Whew, I am tired now. Everyone else is asleep, and I think I will join them. Tomorrow, if I don't remember what I was supposed to do, I am going to clean. That's my plan.

It's all in the planning

So, I seem to have discovered a pattern of my moods recently. I may have figured out this bi-polar grief roller coaster. I have noticed that certain days are better than others, and by golly, I think I've got it. On the "bad days", as I call them, I stay at home, wallowing in the depths, slugging my way through the day, giving everyone the stink eye. On my "good days",I am out and about, meeting up with people, getting out of the house, and showering...
So, I have decided to try to have a nice balance of days filled with a sprinkling of human interaction. I put out the memo to friends, and have a nice social calendar brewing. Especially for next week, as Josh will be out of town for work. I like this, it gives me something to look forward to, and I leave each "date" with such a happy feeling.

Today I felt joyful. Until just now, I just realized I ate the last of the chocolate covered pretzels and I swear I had one more in that bag. I didn't have a chance to savor that one last bite. I thought I had one more in there. There you go...a life lesson. Savor each chocolate covered pretzel. You never know if the next time you reach your hand back into the bag if it will be empty. And now I'm sad.

Back to my plan. I remove myself from my stinky (literally) pit of despair, and get back at it. I have lunch dates, movie dates, and a mani-pedi date. I just needed something for next Friday during the day...

So yes, today was joyful. God and I made up, and I felt happy. I had lunch with some great people, and it was a nice long lunch where you linger for a while and just talk. I finished making the earrings to complete a set I made for my aunt, and sent it away in the mail. Then, I came home and had a box waiting for me! Goodies from my aunt! Yay! An adorable top, a WONDERFUL craft tote, a book (!), lots of great beads, and more bead storage containers. Loved it. What a great surprise and I loved each and every item. I remember when my Mom mailed me a care package when I was in college. I called her and said, "Mom, you live 15 minutes away, seriously?...". But it was nice to get something in the mail, and spend the time unpacking everything. Getting mail is much more fun, real tangible mail!

My mission of trying to rope in a counselor is still underway. Paula Dean had a wait list, I still have messages that I left for 4 other counselors, and the only one that called me back sounded like she was a nice old lady. I don't know if I feel comfortable spilling my guts to grandma, and I do not mean to offend. I hate to seem so picky, but as Mary pointed out, I need to feel a connection and feel comfortable, so I am continuing to try. I have a good feeling about one I called today. I will stalker call these people if that's what it takes.

Other then my phone calls, I ran a few errands and just felt joyful. I was singing and dancing along to the music, and was happy to be out and about. Yet after I ate lunch, I felt rushed like I needed to get home. That was the feeling I always had with Riley, I think with any baby that young. But then, it was like my brain had pushed it away and was so happy for the joy, it forgot reality. And then I remember I don't have to rush home. Sometimes grief hits you like a brick wall. It tightens my chest and takes my breath away. Even now, recounting the feeling makes me step back and lose my train of thought. I still sometimes have trouble fully comprehending he is dead. I keep picturing him so alive in my mind.

Ugh, back to the joy! please, get back there! Happy thoughts...happy thoughts.
I still have plans for tomorrow, and will have another good day tomorrow. I will plan on calling more counselors. Darn it, I keep reaching for the Pretzel bag! I plan on buying more of those tomorrow....

Well that was fast...

So yesterday I was thankful. I felt nervous all day, but other then that, not an entirely bad day. Josh didn't work so we were able to spend some time together.

Today, not so much. I don't feel nervous, but I am angry. I'm pissed. I haven't been on Facebook in a while and I was today, and came across someone that just had a baby. Two days after Riley was born. Beautiful baby, happy pictures. Now all I feel is anger, resentment and jealousy. Like a dark cloud that surfaces right before a thunderstorm, you look up and wonder when that got there. I am intelligent enough to know that these feelings do no good, but today I feel tired of trying. I am tired of trying to pretend I'm not mad or upset. I want to get in a fight, beat someone up, express some of my pent up hostility.
This is nasty, horrible and I would never do this, but dammit today I'm done. Tomorrow may be another story, in five minutes it might be another story.
But right now.....

God, you are on my shit list right now.

I am Thankful..

Today I want to be thankful. I want to share everything that I thank God for everyday. As I root around in the depths of my sadness, I am constantly reminded of all that I have in my life to give sweet thanks for.

I give thanks for my family. Ten years ago, I stumbled across a dorky boy, shy but sweet. From the moment we first talked, looking into those big brown eyes, I was gone. Gone into a relationship with the man I would marry and start a family. We have had our share of ups and downs, but I have seen him emerge into a wonderful strong man, who has my heart always. He is my best friend, he knows me more than anyone, and I love that he can read me like an open book. We still talk for hours, hug for no reason, and can read each others mind. I think back to when we first met, when my Dad was still alive. Josh and I had only been out on a few dates. My Mom and I went out of town to visit family, and Dad died while we were gone. I came home to be with my brother, I didn't want him to be alone. Josh and I had just started dating, and the first time he met my family was when the door opened and he was bombarded by all of my family staring at him in the doorway. I remember him driving around, not being awkward or uncomfortable with me, as many do during those immediate moments following death. He held my hand, then me and let me cry. I love him will all of my heart and beyond that, he is the peanut butter to my jelly. I am so thankful for his love.
This time for us now will be the most difficult thing that we will ever have to endure, but I know that we will remain strong, and we are bonded together for an eternity.

I am so thankful for the wonderful bouncing boy that entered into our lives four years ago. I was unsure and scared of being a mother, I never considered myself the "motherly" type. But enter Tommy, and he has filled my life with so much joy and love, that sometimes I feel my heart overflowing. He has such a wonderful and funny personality, with each day bringing something out that makes me smile. My favorite times are in the mornings when he just wakes up, and comes to our bed. He crawls up and gets face to face with me, and then smiles. He says, "love you mama", with no solicitation. I love laying in bed with him, as he leans his head on my shoulder and cuddles into me, reading ALL of his books. He has a sweet nature, and loves to give hugs and kisses. I know that he will grow to be an amazing man, with so much to give. I thank God that I was given an opportunity to be a mother to this wonderful little man.

I am thankful for the time that I was given with my baby Riley. He made our family complete, and he always will. He will always hold a special place in our hearts. He was so tiny, such a little package of joy when he was born. He cried more and slept less, but I cherish every sleepless moment that I was holding him, and would listen to him cry for a million years. I loved that he was just starting to smile, and that I would lay him down and tickle his belly, and he would smile this huge grin up at me. I miss laying on the bed, with him next to me, just watching him sleep. I loved giving him a bath, his legs pumping with excitement. He enjoyed having the water on his head. I loved to rock him and just have him sleep on my chest, stroking his soft head. I loved his little toes, just like Josh's toes. I thank God that I was given the time with him. Given another chance to be a mother and have a baby to cherish.

I am thankful for the wonderful parents I was given to. I remember thinking and telling my mom when I was in high school, that I hope I can have a child someday, and make them feel as special as you make me feel. My mom would do anything for me, and even though she couldn't go to all of my events, or cheer me on at every game, I knew she wanted to be there. She helped me with projects, encouraged me when I was down, and pushed me when I was procrastinating. Our house was a different household, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. When my father would come up to school, people would stare. I would drape my arms over him, hug and love on him, and tell him he was the best father in the world. I was proud to have him as my Dad. No, he couldn't pick me up and hold me, or drive me to school, or make me dinner, but I could sit on his lap, and he could speed down the street, even without a car. He had a sense of humor that was endless and he carried himself without self pity. Even if he did get down, as I know he must have, it was never shared with me. From my parents, I learned that life can suck. It can and will be hard. But it's how you deal with the cards that are dealt that make you who you are. Laugh and life will be funny, smile and life will be happy.

I am thankful for my husbands parents. They are wonderful people, who would give anything to anyone. With giving hearts, they are an example of the selfless lives we are to live. I remember meeting Josh's mom for the first time, knowing she was special. I talked with her after my father died, and it was her encouragement and love that helped me open up and talk, meaning so much to me to be there without really even knowing me. She always has a positive outlook and disposition, without focusing on the hardships in life. I look at them as my parents, and thank God for having them in my life. They are wonderful parents and wonderful grandparents.

I thank God for my family. I have adored my brother for as long as I can remember. I always looked forward to seeing him again, letting me crawl on him, poke him and bug him as a little sister can. I longed for a relationship with him, and was thankful that we were given a chance to get to know each other. He moved in with us when Dad was very sick, and I am glad he came back down. I remember watching the Real World together, and laughing together. I would do anything for him, be anywhere and will always look up to him and adore him. He has a strength and fortitude that I don't even think he realizes. His words helped comfort me in the darkest moment, right after Riley died. He is my deep connection to a family now gone.

I am thankful for his first wife and her husband. They are wonderful people and despite the odds and past, they work together to form a wonderful family unit. I love my nieces with all of my heart, I love them like I love my own children. His two oldest daughters are blossoming into beautiful strong women. Full of strength, yet with a tinge of delicate children still there. I love my niece Hailey, she is my other daughter. Who knows if someday I will have a daughter, but I was given three wonderful girls to share my girly hopes and dresses with.

I am thankful that my brother was lucky enough to meet another wonderful woman, words cannot express the amount of love I have for her. She is my best friend, and I love her with all of my heart. I can count on her to call me when I need her, like she has a built in alert button that lights up when I have an issue. She is strength when I am weak, light when I am in the dark, a smile when I have a frown, an ear when I need to talk, a face to stare at when I just want to sit in quiet, and a joyful laugh to share when I need a release. With her came a wonderful little boy, who has grown to be a sweet spirit, a gentle teenager, with so much love. He handles the children climbing all over him, and with no angst he accepts their clamoring with a quiet smile. He is a wonderful and talented person, with an endless future and countless gifts. The word adore does nothing to convey the essence of my feelings for each and every one of them.

I am thankful for my mother's family, her mother, her two sisters and my cousins. On my father side I now that I have a huge extended family, but through time, we have lost touch. I miss the feeling of family, that feeling that takes you back to how you felt growing up. I can picture a scene in my childhood, an early morning where sunlight is just streaming through the windows. My father and mother in the living room, both greeting me as I enter. Walking past the sunlight, I feel the warmth of the sun, just as I feel the warmth of their love. I curl up on my mother's lap and she kisses my cheek. She gets up to make me something to eat, and I feel loved. Being around my mother's family brings me back to that feeling. I love my aunt's and each of them possess traits that reminds me of my mother. I love to hear stories of my parents, and it connects me to a feeling I often miss without realizing.

I am thankful for my friends. The past few weeks have been the hardest for me, but with the pain, their love and support overflowed. Nothing can ease the severe grief of losing a child, but the encouragement, thoughts and prayers held me up from drowning. I have realized that we are given gifts of friendship in life and ever more now, I cherish each relationship.

I am blessed to have my best friend Mary. We have known each other since the 6th grade, and have been best friends since high school. Two peas in a pod, we fit together. I can confide in her my deepest thoughts, and without judgement, she is always there for me. She has countless patience with me, and through everything, she has been there. I know we will be friends for the rest of our lives. She is my lifeline and she is the most giving and wonderful person, a rainbow at the end of my storm.

I am thankful for my work, and all the support I have received during several phases of my life. I love going to work, and each day is a new challenge, sometimes frustrating and most times rewarding. I am thankful for their understanding and encouragement.

I am thankful that I can share all of this, as I know that I have been very blessed. It makes me realize all that I have been given, and despite feeling like everything has been taken away, I feel renewed with the understanding of all that I have.

So, thank you. To each and every one of you. Thank you for all that you have done for me, and all that I have. Thank you God, for bestowing upon me these wonderful people and relationships.

I am so very thankful...

My Escape

I can't seem to think of anything to write. I always feel a little better after sharing my thoughts here, I but I feel stymied, a mental block. I have been reading a lot more lately. I understand why Josh plays video games, I always have. But now so more then ever. I read, and I enjoy to read as a means of escape. My mind can concentrate on the story, and I don't have a chance to wander into my swampy thoughts. If I could, I would have a room in my house dedicated to reading. I suppose they would call that room a library. I want floor to ceiling bookcases, brimmed to the edges with books. And an over sized comfy chair, with a well placed window for just enough natural light to stream in. I love that. I just wish I wouldn't read through books so fast. I drink up a novel like a thirsty man chugs a glass of ice water. Before I am prepared, the book is over. I need to take a trip to Half priced Books sometime soon. I have been thinking about getting a Kindle, I like the idea of the accessibility for obtaining new books. You hear about a book that you would like to read, and in minutes, with the convenience of staying at home, there it is. But there is just something special about books, the smell, the feel. I don't know if I would want to give that up.

I have been trying to get an appointment with a counselor. I can't even seem to do that. I have called several, and I have received no phone calls back. I just leave messages. When I called one back again, she said she didn't take my insurance. I was a bit put off by her dismissal in her voice. Its a bit disappointing, and one would think that in their profession, some delicate people are reaching out for help. Um, is it good to not call back and have that person face more disappointment? I'm just saying. It takes a lot for me to get the nerve to call, and then when nothing seems to be working out, it makes me want to just give it up. I looked online today and came across another woman who looked nice. Yes, I just want someone who looks pleasant, she reminded me of Paula Dean, so it felt right. I called her and left a message.

Josh started his new job today, and I can't stop from feeling nervous for him. I just want him to be happy, and have everything work out.
I feel so tired today. I took a shower at least, that is good. And with no where to go, even better, yay for me.

Every time I drop Tommy off at school, he tears up and tries not to cry. When I ask him why, he says that he will miss me. I tell him I love him and will miss him too, but he will have such a wonderful time at school, he will have so much fun. And he does. When I pick him up, he is happy and in a good mood. I thank God for that little boy everyday. He is such bright spot for me, and I am so lucky to have him. Even when he annoys me beyond understanding, repeats the same question 30 times, and doesn't listen to what I say. I still adore him. I just love to stare at him, and squeeze him, hug him, read to him, tickle him.

Lately I keep wondering what Riley would have been like. I can picture him a little older, more awareness in his eyes. I wonder what his personality would have been like. I am sad that Tommy doesn't have a little brother anymore. Tommy was such a sweetheart with Riley.

Well, I found a couple of other books I can read, until I make a trip to the bookstore. That should last for a few hours. Back to my escape.

I can do it.

I am so glad that we went out to our friends house today. I laughed so hard, my sides ached and it hurt to keep smiling. We had a good time, and it was really nice to get out of the house for something really fun. Today all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I was so tired and heavy feeling. I took one Xanax today, and felt so drugged I walked back to check to make sure I didn't take the entire bottle.

Just sad today, a bad day. Josh called me "emotionally unstable". Not sure if that is a proper description, but he might be right. I just feel off still. Even as I type I continue to hit the wrong keys, I type the wrong words, and have to re-read to make sure I make sense.

Yesterday, I went to visit a friend of ours. They have a baby about two months younger then Riley. It was nice to get out of the house, and they also have a son Tommy's age. I felt it was going to be difficult being around another baby, and it was. I did it, I held him. He was fussy in the chair, and I went to pick him up. I felt proud of myself that I could do it with out freaking out. I think it was easier because he looks so different then Riley to me. As I picked him up, I thought, I can do it. I can do it. It still hurt, I felt like I held back a gallon of tears, and tried not to cry. It was like hands on therapy. I talked about Riley as we talked about our kids. It was the first time I have spoken much about Riley. I miss him so. I look at pictures now and he seems different to me. I wish I would have cherished him more, held him more, stared at him more.

Today while lying in bed, I kept thinking, why, why, why? Did I not love him enough? Why this child? I would listen to him scream for a hundred hours straight to have him back with me.
When my friend was nursing her baby, I saw her baby look up into her eyes after he was done. I miss that look. I miss it so bad, my soul hurts. The bonding look, the deep connection to your child. Your baby falling asleep on your chest, the rise and fall of their chest, their angelic face deep in sleep. Riley was just starting to move his head to sounds, and I remember walking back into the bedroom when I had laid him down on the bed and he turned his head at the sound of my voice. And then he would smile.

I see people going about their lives, strangers, and I want to scream. I want to run up to them and yell in their face about the pain I am in. I don't know why I have these feelings. I don't feel like I will ever get over this. Grief is an evolution, of this I am aware. I am so sick of feeling this way, but I can't seem to move past it.

I need to fill my days with more fun times, like today. And remember that I can laugh, I can do it.

Help Wanted

I want to be strong, I want to be normal and return to the normal daily life. I know that we have a new normal to adjust to, and I just don't want to. The last two days, I feel like I backslid into weakness. It feels like the numbness is wearing off and reality is setting in. Yesterday I did not want to do anything. I wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there forever. Tommy, however does not seem to share the same feelings as I do, and pulls me out of bed when I feel this way. Literally, he grabs my leg and pulls.

Yesterday however, Tommy didn't succeed. Yesterday I cried. I sobbed. I let out feelings bottled up inside. I can't say that I felt better, but I felt less like a coke bottle that had been shaken up. Yesterday, someone came and slowly released a little pressure from that bottle. I had a horrible headache and laid down. Tommy tried to rouse me, but it didn't work. I then had a little boy snuggled up under my arm, staring me right in the face, eye to eye. We fell asleep, and it was a sweet sleep.

I just feel like I should be strong enough for this, and sometimes I am. But sometimes I feel like this weight will end me, crush me. I am reading a nice book on grief, and one of the stories said that you have to let your body grieve. I feel I am not. I want to cry but don't. I miss Riley so much, the pressure seems to much to live with. I was expected to return to work next week, but I don't think I will be able. I want to return to normal life, but I don't want to return to normal life. My baby died and my heart is broken. I feel like returning to normal life is not right. I understand enough that the journey we face ahead is a long and challenging one. With difficult high hills and low valleys. As time moves on, I know that the road on the journey will smooth, and be easier to navigate. But right now, all I see is a large, looming mountain with treacherous, stiff peaks, and dangerous paths. And I don't want to start climbing.

I feel like the initial shock and emotional separation is leaving me, and leaving me open and raw. I contacted two counselors, and one has called back to schedule an appointment. I feel better about this, but I have never liked or understood counseling. I am not one to talk about how I feel to a random person. But I know that this is a tool for my journey, and if I need a cane to help me walk, I must take it.

I like having things to look forward to. My cousin is coming down in a couple weeks and I can't wait to see her. We were invited to a party to watch the UT game tomorrow and I can't wait. It's a nice change to the sadness, a time to not be at home enveloped in grief. I didn't write yesterday because I didn't want to. I think of this as a personal journal for my thoughts and feelings, but sometimes I think, "will the people that read this eventually get sick and tired of me always being sad and depressed?" I don't know. Maybe someday another mother who is going through what I am going through will read this and find some solace with the fact she is not alone.

I miss my humor. I love my husband. Even though he is a jerk and deleted my recording of Project Runway. Sometimes I seem to mess up the DVR, it does not give him the right to take away my recording of one of my favorite shows. Punk. Sorrrryyy.

So anyone out there who reads this, I ask of you, please continue to pray. Pray for me, my husband, my Tommy, my family. It was those thoughts and prayers that saved us and pushed us through the first few weeks. Autopilot must be released. Now comes the hard part. And we still need help.