A Symphony of Analogies

Driving in the car seems to be the catalyst for my brain to think, think, think away. Busy at work, aside from the moments someone attempts to engage in conversation about my issues, I never seem to think about it. "It" being my loss. When I am home, I am usually tired from work, and like to spend time with Tommy, and he doesn't give in to my moments where I just want to crawl into bed with the covers over my head. So, my alone time comes when I commute to and from work. During this time, I seem to think about my day, conversations, issues, and Riley.



Some moments I feel like the thought of Riley is so far away, a fuzzy memory in a distant place. Sometimes a word, phrase or thought will draw me back into a moment around his death, and I can't escape the overwhelming feeling of loss. I remember bits and pieces, like a whirling thought tornado in my mind, some mental pictures sharp and in focus, others distorted and torn. I brew, harbor and obsess over a thought, racking back and forth in my mind. I have conversations with myself (not crazy ones) just conversations where I come up with cute analogies, For Death. Grief. Loss.



I feel the process of "dealing with grief" is like moving a mountain size pile of rocks from one location to another. Some rocks are small, pebble size, and you can easily manage them with no help. Some rocks are the size of boulders. To try to move the mountain of rocks by yourself, in one try is impossible. You have to be willing to accept help when you need it to move the large rocks you can't move by yourself. (therapy, friends, family). You have to work the mountain down, little by little, until you look back and realize that you accomplished it. A look back and you see how much work you have done to get yourself past the emotional trials, and from moving all those rocks, you are stronger. When I have issues working through grief, I feel like I just walk up and kick the pile of rocks, sending them flying about, making more of a mess. For me, I feel like a lot of the time I just put a big blanket over the pile, and pretend that it's not there. What's that? Oh, that's just a giant pile of blankets. Move along now. Nothing to see here.



People ask me about "It". I can feel them tip-toeing around the question. I have very simple responses sometimes. Sometimes I give an analogy.



Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And sometimes life takes a baseball bat and proceeds to beat the shit out of you. When you can finally regain consciousness and open your swollen, busted up eyes, you realize you still have to play the game.



Sometimes life gives you lemons, and you can make lemonade. And sometimes life takes a cheese grater to your ass, then takes those lemons and squeezes lemon juice into your open wounds. Ouch.



Work is rough right now, with a foggy cloud of uncertainty looming over us. Some days I want to live in a bubble. Problems seem to pop up all the time. But whatever happens, I know that I have been through worse. And life will certainly go on. Maybe a little beaten up and with a lemon fresh ass, but what are you going to do? Just one day at a time. One rock at a time.

Let's Catch up on things.

Well hello again friends. We have not had a working computer in the house for quite some time, and Josh received his Christmas present yesterday. A new laptop computer, a beast of a computer, it weighs about as much as Tommy. Josh is so smitten, if the house were on fire, I think Josh would have to do a triple take between the computer and his loved ones. Actually, I think he would consider this computer as one of his loved ones now. I told him that I better not find the computer in my spot when I try to go to bed tonight.

So it is very wonderful to be back into the world of technology, I missed being connected to my friends and family.

Let's play the catch up game now, shall we. I am still working, although I am back at another store, the store I was at when I left for maternity leave. It's alright, crazy personalities out there that drive my patience to it's end some days. I feel like all I do is referee and mediate fights between grown men and women. Ridiculous on some days.

On the plus side, I am still gainfully employed so I should not complain about the trivial aspects of my job. A restructuring is being announced in the next few days, so we are all waiting to see what will happen. Who knows. Life is about more then your job, I just still would like to maintain my employment.

The holidays were okay, I loved to be able to spend time with my family, and Tommy on Christmas was adorable. I would have much liked to crawl up under the covers and stay until the end of the holidays, but it was about Tommy. Tommy is by far one of my favorite things, and he is just a hoot most of the time. I qualify that sentence with "most of the time". He is still an almost 5 year old little boy. He just told me to drink milk to stop my sneezing. He said my heart needs to be colder.

I think Josh installed something on his computer to ward off intruders, as I have been having an allergy attack since the minute I opened this thing. Sneeze!

I still have good and bad days. At work there are a few people that were hired after I left, so I have been meeting them and getting to know them. A nice man came up and told me he was very sorry to hear about my loss, someone had told him earlier. He said he would have never guessed that I had dealt with that such a short time ago. Sometimes this surprises me because I don't know anyway else to be at work. It wouldn't be fair to others if I moped around all day. Don't get me wrong, I feel like I spend so much energy at work maintaining a cheerful demeanor, that when I get home, I am spent. I have just enough left in me to spend time with Tommy, and some days just barely.

So until next time. Josh is off today, and so am I! Yay! I am going to make a nice dinner tonight.